Archive for Humor

Posi-Parasite Baby,Chocolate and an Alien Philosophy.

I’ve heard the term “Parasite” used before and always thought that was a kind of derogatory term for a  baby,  but really that’s exactly what the reality is.

An unexpected lifeform is taking over my wifes body,  starting with her boobs and working it’s way down.

Oh and by the way… they continue to amaze?? They just look tiring and they are like lifting small bags of concrete.

We are at 10 WEEKS and in 2 more weeks I get the DVD of the now grape sized parasite in full HD motion. Yippee!

Unlike Alien which wasn’t released in HD the exit is not predicted to be through the chest

For the last two weeks I’ve been in hospital,  so blogging or oggling at the boobies hasn’t really been possible. My appologies,  I intend to do a bit of both to kind of catchup.

So back to week nine…..

It’s nice to be home my three dogs are curled up on their beds and the wood heater is cranking along as it’s the middle of winter here.

Food is now more confusing than ever, it has become the enemy? Anything which isn’t cooked just aren’t appealing, so dinners have been mostly  roast veggies and chicken, with chocolate milk and chocolate on the side.

I think this baby must like chocolate a lot!

With both our mothers knowing, I’d have to say we are counting the days before we are at the safe mark, 12 weeks. This is generally identified as the time when it’s safe to tell the rest of the family

For once I am wrestling with a very alien philosophy, and going against my instincts by wanting to share good news. The difficulty is when it’s  recognised as safe to do so.

Having given exactlly the same advice to my brother in law less than several months ago,  I understand fully why people do share this news,  before this timframe,  however I understand it’s quite fraught with disappointment.

All that to one side.

Everything for us is going swimmingly and we are planning to inform both our families in just under 3 weeks time,  after the 12 week scan.

So I am up for idea’s on how to break the news?

How would you?

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Heartbeats that changed my life

After 10 years being together and 8 years of seriously trying to conceive,  a couple of  years ago we tried to get some assistance from specialist fertility Clinic. We had no success but did a series of things.

All sorts of testing up to and including several rounds of IUI.

We were just getting mentally and monetarily worked up for IVF

The last procedure may have  contributed to our current natural pregnancy. My partner had a thing call a hycosy, now I have no training in anything medical but basically this flushes the tubes out and kind of tests the plumbing.

Now we’ve conceived naturally we hadn’t considered recontacting them until yesterday. My partner had discussed this with workmates who suggested we contact them and see what followup they conduct with “assisted” pregnancies.

Turns out they do alot more than just wait around and see how everythings gone at 12 weeks. They do blood tests weekly and ongoing scans to make sure hormones and development are all going well.

The wife made a phone call yesterday and today we had our very first ultrascan today.

I have to say this lived up to the hype!

I was expecting to see a digitized still shot of  a prawnesk fetus or baby.  I certainly didn’t expect to see anything in detail.

Instead what I saw was an incredibly high quality movie of  a tiny small baby. To be precise about 1.17cm.

I was shocked by the clarity. I could see finger buds and toes.

But mostly I was taken back at the strength of the heart pumping.

!  WOW !

There haven’t been many points in my life where i have struggled to describe something but this is definately one of them.

It seemed to me the heart was pumping very hard and really fast.

All was normal and the Dr did a series of checks to confirm sizes of things.

The drive home was the most defensive drive I’ve ever done in my life.

During that drive I had time to contemplate.

I had presumed coming off anti-depressants drugs had been the sole reason for my wife becoming pregnant. The doctor was adament that this would not have caused this. He said in that amount of time we were talking about one strayshot would have splipped through.

He said that after a hycosy a pregnancy is not uncommon.

On the defensive drive home we dropped in and showed my mother the picture of the baby.  The picture we have does absolutely no justice to what we saw otherwise I’d post it up.

I have been informed at 12 weeks we do another scan at which we get a DVD so I’ll post that if I can work out how to convert it.

Ladies and Gentlemen I am not completely happy with this post I feel quite uneasy about it. It’s not as funny as my usual posts. Today was quite unusual and I am a little staggered by the way it has made me feel. It has made me reflect quite deeply and I think it has profoundly changed my life.

This is why.

The baby exists

I’ve seen it

It’s tangible

I know it is mine

It’s only a matter of time now until

I am a Dad.

I am asking for opinions here.

Has anyone had success conception wise whilst on anti-depressants?

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WAR with Mice, Morning sickness? AND baby shopping……..The Horror OHHH I just HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I AM DOING???

Ok it’s week 7 in the most wanted pregnancy in the world.

Life is great and the reality of creating a life after 8 years of thinking this was impossible without expensive, intrusive medical assistance is starting to settle in.

On waking I ask the missus how she is… she says to me morning “I think i feel better today honey,  the morning sickness has shifted a bit.” 60 seconds later she’s gone to the toilet……..there’s that horrible and slightly furious noise.

The morning sickness is still most definately with us. 🙂 I hate to hear her being sick,  actually I don’t like anyone being sick. I don’t like blood or anything along those lines, I’d make a terrible nurse, doctor or anything else which includes bodily functions.

Since winter has come we have been visited a few times by mice. They move in after the first rains of winter. Where we live is kind of rural so mice, mosquitoes, and foxes are not uncommon.

These are field mice in particular small generally inoffensive, kind of cute,  and in my shed generally which i can absolutely live with. BUT of late they have been quite intrusive, a whole family decided to move in to our house and they did so in a day.

I was just pouring a glass of milk just about to go to bed when a family of about 5 mice hop in through the dog door completely unanounced, how rude!

They ran straight up the corridor and almost into the kitchen. I moved slightly and I think I was about to say “err ” or flap my arms in a disapproving manner when there was an “EEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeK!”

The “EEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeK” came directly from the first mouse.  About this point I find out that mice have both traction control and have completed the advanced driver training course.

The mouse braked hard and then pulled on it’s mousey handbrake, it performed an almost perfect 180 impressive! But what was more impressive was all of the mice followed in formation. This was an incredibly adept bunch of mice. Maybe Rally mice?

They ran back out the way they came in and hopped out of the dog door,  the last one as it was going out,  hit the dog door flap. It made quite a thud,  then it fell back,  shook itself and finally hopped out.  I think this was one of the most random things I have seen in a while and no-one else saw it.  I laughed then but I am not laughing now as I am battling with them now.

Even though it’s kind of inevitable in the rural setting we have,  I simply cannot accept the idea of mice and baby sharing the same house. It shall not be.

So I am declaring WAR!!

on the mice to make sure by the time this kid arrives the mice are evicted or extinguished their choice.

I have today invested in a LOT of plastic tubs and cleansed our pantry which has been ransacked over the last couple of nights. I’m sure they are having some sort of Mouse house Party in there….strangely they seem prone to eating pasta? Why pasta? I thought cheese was their thing?

I’ve also invested some money in mousey traps. I set them up in our pantry (I didn’t put on fatigues or camoflauge) and I waited.

Later I heard a snap and an EEeeeeeeeK. I went to have a look at the result and I was baffled??????  There was a MOUSETRAP with a stick of spaghetti in it????  WTF>  Is this mouse screwing with me or what?

It looked to me like the mouse must have been chewing on some pasta and then thought hey I’ll dip it in some peanut sauce stuff over there yummy!

Anyway moving on…

I have some lawn which badly needs attacking with a whipper snipper / or weed wacker whatever your comfortable with. It just keeps getting longer, it’s winter here so I have to choose my moments between the rain drops.

The wife makes lunch and I step through the door. I barely get through the door and…….. YOU STINK

of WHAT?

YOU SMELL LIKE GRASS

Grass?

Grass??

Of course I smell like Grass…

I didn’t realise that Grass was a smell capable  of being an offensive or negative smell??

And B.O…..

Ok I know I have man-stink or FUNK  as some people call it

and I admit at times it can get pretty bad.

This was not one of those times it was just after a shower and a very short amount of work maybe 15 minutes worth. So after a quick cheese and something sandwich it was back to the shower so my wife can bear it when we go shopping.

We had to do some food shopping and I think more than anything curiousity got the better of us both and so we ended up at about 5 shops looking in the maternity and baby section.

I have previously commented on infrastructure and now I realise the FULL mindbending extent of the horror.

<insert horror music>

In front of me are row after row,  lifetimes worth of  stuff,  and things I’ve never seen which we may purchase if we may so choose or if we need?

Prams,  Bottles,  Baby Capsules,  Nipples (no the plastic ones),  Baby Bouncers,  Baby Capsules that fit into Prams, Cots, Nappies……….

I am staggered by the amount of STUFF it’s possible to purchase,  in this realisation I have also worked out I HAVE NO IDEA what the hell I am doing here.

I say this to the wife and she asks me to research………….

the standards which cover Prams

and which ones are and aren’t approved?

Of course I realise this is just something to keep me occupied………. and they all have to be above standard otherwise they can’t be sold in reputable stores

but in any case I appreciate her trying to involve me.

I think next time I’ll keep it to myself or blog it instead.

Keep you posted.

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I stink…. There’s too many smells, not enough milk, and the boobs are still getting BIGGER??

Ok it’s WEEK SEVEN and the baby is about the size of a Rasberry? Blueberry or some other type of small colourful berry. The important thing is it’s sweet and still there.

ALL IS GOOD, or at least on track.

I am considering drafting up a media release for when we go public, to alert the appropriate authorities to our pregnancy, until then please remember this is not yet common knowledge so you have to keep it under your respective blog hats.

Just when you thought they can’t get any bigger…

THE BOOBS GET BIGGER??

I think this is breaking the laws of physic’s and I am not sure how is that even possible. I’m thinking soon it maybe possible to stand next to them and have my photo taken saying I’ve been there!

I’ve tried lifting them and they are HEAVY, like sandbags.

I held them up in the shower to give my wife some relief but after somewhere between 2 – 4 minutes I was very ready to stop in truth I was getting  a sore back.

Women of the world you have my complete sympathy on this one.

SO much so…

Right now if my wife decided  she would like to buy a bra which is

– extra heavy duty

– with compensating shock absorbers

– and / or counterweights

– and / or some sort of boobs support jockey wheel

I’d just say yes then ask what size, colour and research the best quality one and then I ‘d glady go and get it for her.

But since the best you can get is a well fitted bra she’ll have to settle for that.

Guys I think there is some room for more scientific experiments and or products here.

She is developing a pregnant pudge, it’s exactly in the right spot (goodo) and seems to be taking the right sort of shape. I’m trying to talk her into letting me take a photo.

Next to her nose…. She smells everything!!!

She has overnight become a scent hound.

She definately hasn’t become a beagle as beagles eat everything they smell and can get near. No she’s smelling a lot of stuff and doesn’t want any of it. Including me.

Apparently I stink, but this is nothing new….

I’ve stunk forever it’s just now it makes her want to dry reach?????

I can only assume that this is whenever my deoderant is getting the slightest bit on the used side. I must say that having your wife want to dry reach at you, and on you  is difficult,  but is strangely becoming more and more normal day by day.

One thing I have read in Pregnancy books which seems to be a re-occurring theme is this.

“try substituting an apple cut up into small pieces she maybe craving sugar or instead suggest going for a romantic walk.”

A ROMANTIC WALK. okaaaaaaay.

My wife has two concrete bags on her chest and is constantly wanting to puke on me, at me, or just around me….and you (the person who wrote the book not you gentle blog reader) want me to lead her off on some romantic walk.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhh YEAH! ? ! ? ?.

No. no. NO.

See the problem is that they have to include healthy advice as the book is written by Doctors and they don’t wish to be sued.

Personally I think it should say… Give her a fresh crossaint a flower and ever so lovingly hand her

the Xbox or Dvd Remote gently whilst

spraying yourself with deoderant and telling her you love her.

We’ve both been reading up on pregnancy and I’ve almost watched all of the Pregnancy for Dummies (strangely this was helpful) DVD.

I am currently reading a book called “How to keep a pregnant woman happy” which my wife got out for me at the Library.

This book is GOLD advice for men.

Yes it’s a little dated and the version I am reading was actually written by a monkey on a typewriter but strangely not much has changed in the process of pregnancy.

The main procedures and problems are still the same. As a bonus for Guys it’s kind of  written like a workshop manual. It doesn’t need to be read from cover to cover. You can simply look up the answer and look like you know what your talking about.

You can look well versed in the pregnancy thing..

You too can look like a pompous ass who knows everything

and you can do it in the style of the 1950’s.  After you’ve reeled off the right answer…… you can both sit back and have a cigarette, knowing it’s good for you and the baby. Ahhh.

My brother in laws wife is pregnant too.

They got married and seemingly instantly she got pregnant (Man that would be nice) for us it was much harder.

Anyway turns out she’s at 11 weeks now 4 weeks further on than us. And it turns out she’s probably going to the same hospital we are going to. So after ten years of hoping for grandchildren I hope both the Grandma’s are up for some baby juggling.

One thing i have noted we are consuming a LOT more milk these days I don’t know why this is but I hypothesize that this is what is making the boobies bigger? Are they like storage vats?

Thoughts and comments appreciated!

Post you later.

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Infrastructure, Morning Sickness and a Funny Doctor

It’s  week 6 1/2 and things are still going great!!

The reality that after 8 years of trying and a couple years of practice…

my wife is pregnant naturally.  Yippee! but it’s still feels very surreal.

Morning sickness has set in and well the wife is feeling pretty flat and without much energy.

This week it has struck me that at some point we are going to need some infrastructure and do some forward planning!

What do i mean?

Well things  like:

Car Capsule, Baby clothes, nappies, A Cot, A Pram, Bottles, A highchair, more nappies… and a thing called a breast pump

What the heck is a breast pump?

I have learnt that BABIES are postively superconsumers!

This baby isn’t even near being delivered yet and it’s already demanding half a house worth of stuff.

I know nothing about this stuff and I value your opinions on this.

We saw my partners GP this week a funny old Chinese man he very much resembles buddah. My wife has seen him her entire life and so it was a happy moment for all.  My wife says “Hello Dr….um… well we’ve come to you because I’m pretty sure that I am pregnant.” Now I know what a pregnant pause is.

The Dr sits back in his chair smiles and says “Well don’t look at me…. I had nothing to do with it.”  His comedy routine (which is very good) continues The Doctor being quite old went onto say “If I die during the consult it’s free! But if you get even part way out the door and I die,  you have to pay the bill”   🙂

He also sorted out an obstretrician now remember we are at week 6 and 3 of their refferal obstretricians were already booked out?

It begs the question how is it possible to know any sooner?

and do you book when you think you might feel your going to be pregnant?

In any case he worked out the time when the baby is due early Feb 2011.

Anyway so thats where we are on the journey and don’t hold us to that date.

I don’t quite understand all about the pregnancy thing yet… but I do know different buns in different ovens bake more or less quickly.

The bun is in and is cooking!!

Keep you posted

P.S Thanks to all the people who sent congrats we were both a bit taken back at that.

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The booby fairy cometh.

I am simply astounded by boobs.

Not just for their asthetically pleasing shapes,  sizes and differing composition but also for what they do and the way they do it.

“Men are hung up on breasts. They’re looking at the titty dinner. It’s pathetic.”
Betty Dodson

Yes indeedy.

They are like two blissful balloons which every month fill and deflate.

This is as a result of I believe the booby fairy coming and going.

The booby fairy’s legacy is to make my life more fun

and my wifes kind of uncomfortable

then when the booby fairy must leave she naturally returns things to normal.
But WAIT!!!

Something different happened this month?

The booby fairy came and stayed?

Now at this point some men may rejoice and count their lucky stars and not question this any further. I’d have to say my first reaction was suspiscion.

The month seemed to have definately gone past and still the boobs persisted.

I was most intruiged.

The longer this went on my thoughts were gee I hope this is it.

And it was.

Yippeee!

We are at week 6 now and the baby / fetus / whatever…. is the size of a pea or a blueberry I know that because I watched the DVD of pregnancy for dummies.

Pregnancy for complete IDIOTS was out.

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Who to tell?

My wife was going to a naturopathic retreat.
She had this booked for about 6 months.
She had worked hard and was going to relax for a week.
I was totally cool with that man she’s earnt it.

The day before she was due to go we suspected she may have been pregnant.

For us this was like choosing to believe in the dark arts or some sort of sourcery. We’d both given up on a natural conception.

So we put it to the test and sure enough the urine pregnancy test came back positive.

Of course we had to double check.

And of course we had to triple check.
This could not have come at a better time as she was due to go to this retreat on the Saturday. What a way to start a life with a retreat.

We knew our naturopath really well,  even so we were mildly concerned about what my wife would be expected to eat and drink and do.

Having been on retreats before  i knew it involved a day of detoxing (more if you choose) drinking cleansing juices and stuff like that.
Not want to take any chances we opted for letting our naturopath know.

Person number 2.
My wife has a personal trainer and has done for a fair while now.
Instead of going out running, jumping and having medicine balls thrown at her.  We discussed toning it back a bit.
Excercise is important…. but to us this preganancy is worth a lot  so we instituted some protective measures.

We told our parents a few days ago and we’ve reached an agreement that those who need to know get told and that’s about it. We will go public in another 6 weeks or so. If you haven’t guessed I am writing under a nom de plume.

Ok.

So it’s a need to know basis thing.

Technically this makes you reading this number 6.

Wish us well and mums the word hopefully…..

Oh and keep it quiet!

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